To start, I have to thank John Buccigross for his outstanding work on his hockey columns on espn.com, and I enjoy everything about them, from his weekly tribute to Jack Falla to his picture captioning contest (this week's is Patrick Sharp jumping into the glass, so go vote!).
However, my favorite part of his columns are the inevitable emails challenging the supremacy of the Q-stache to other fantastic facial hair contenders. Since practice was boring and uneventful today, I'm going to share a few of my favorites with you.
As an avid Sharks fan, it pains me to even raise the issue, but I think George Parros' mustache would dominate the Q-Stache. My son, an avid Ducks fan for no good reason, and I are always talking about what Parros' 'stache could do on its own.
The Parros 'stache is stylish. But, to me, the Q-Stache has an experience and an IQ that would take advantage of the Parros mustache's nemesis -- namely, density and coarseness. The Parros 'stache does shampoo commercials. The Q-Stache sells chainsaws and jackhammers."
The Q-Stache may be exceptional, it may be a wonder of the world all its own, but there is another. Who in the NHL has the mustache to unseat your precious Q-Stache? Why, the Detroit Red Wings' own Paul MacLean. You cannot deny the power of the MacStache. His Wilford Brimley-esque 'stache not only can make oatmeal on its own, but it could also fight off even the most staunch offender of 'stache.
USFC: Ultimate 'Stache Fighting Championship. Q-Stache versus MacStache. A battle for the ages. A battle for the ages.
Paul MacLean has a tremendous 'stache, but I'm sorry, it falls short of the Q-Stache. The Q-Stache is like Bo Jackson in his prime -- a freak-of-nature mesomorph. I see the MacStache more along the lines of an endomorph 'stache, and that just can't compete. That's like an NFL guard trying to chase down Bo Jackson. Ain't happening."
I think the obvious, epic mustache battle has been overlooked. Which 'stache wins in a battle between Joel Quenneville and Lanny McDonald?
I have received countless e-mails on this matchup. It is clear the people want to see this pay-per-view event soon. Here is what would happen in this battle:
The Mac-Stache would come out cocky, that much is clear. His massive amount of Heatmiser-stache hair would simply overcome the Q-Stache by simply choking the life out of him or by sheer intimidation. But how many times do I have to tell you that the Q-Stache combines size and strength? The coarseness is something the 'Stache World has never seen since Groucho Marx. These kinds of 'staches come along once every other generation.
The Mac-Stache would suffer hyperextended follicles, torn ligaments and an assortment of injuries while trying to deal with the Q. And just think -- if it were raining, the Mac-Stache would be a mess. All matted down and stinky. The Q-Stache is like a United States Marine Corps member's hair. Tough, coarse and free to operate under any conditions. The Q-Stache versus the Mac-Stache is like Larry Holmes beating on Gerry Cooney. C'mon, people! Can't you see that?!"
Earlier this month, I took my son to see the Blackhawks in Atlanta. We just happened to stay at the same hotel as the team. I could not help it, when I saw Coach Quenneville, I just had to ask him if he saw the story you wrote about him. Sorry to say, he did not read it, but he got a good laugh when I told him some of the lines from your story. He thanked me for sharing and was gone. The mighty Q-Stache had some Thrashers to beat!
Not before the Q-Stache stopped at Waffle House and carbo-loaded with 27 waffles. And yes, the Q-Stache bathes in maple syrup."
"Bucci,I work in a large office building in downtown Chicago. Yesterday, as I was heading out on an errand, I turned the corner after getting off the elevator and -- BAM! -- there it was, literally less than two feet from my face ... the Q-Stache! There was no doubt about whether it was the genuine article since I could feel it peer into my soul and let me know that I was weaker than it. As a Blues fan living in Chicago, I could tell the Q-Stache sensed this, so I quickly scurried along my way, glad to have survived the close encounter.
That's not weakness on your part, Dave. That's wisdom. Well played, my brutha, well played."
I'm sure that there will be more emails like this, and when they come, I will continue to share them with you. Check back tomorrow for my reactions from the Canucks-Hawks showdown in Chicago.